Over the last few weeks (on top of my mom being in town), I have been working on an application for a PhD that focuses on sustaining cities and population management. As soon as I got back from the peaceful Appalachian mountains, I holed up in the house and sat next to my husband nonstop and studied while he studied- shoulder-to-shoulder and rarely face-to-face. I came back from the Appalachians rejuvenated. Brushing up on math skills zapped any enthusiasm pretty quickly. Only a few days ago, I looked at myself in the mirror. I sat there and thought to myself, “Why do you really need this degree? Is it for your soul or your ego?” The truth is that I really wanted the PhD because I didn’t feel like the degrees that I have are enough. But just getting ready for the process felt like mud in my wings. I then thought to myself, “If I feel this miserable and it’s only the beginning, why should I continue on this path?”
I had quit taking pictures. I had stopped studying up on my soul and the quality of the present moment. I had stopped taking care of myself by exercising. I had stopped thinking about what life wanted of me and started obsessively thinking about what I wanted out of life. And just like that, I was off kilter.
Luckily I caught myself before making the mistake of moving forward with something that felt wrong- like the time I saw an awesome pair of shoes that I thought I had wanted my whole life until I tried them on and even the correct size pinched a little. Or the time I was sitting on the front porch and an eerie static was in the air and although I didn’t see anything, I didn’t need affirmation and ran inside. Or the time that I decided to take a specific route to my rural hometown and I ripped my pants and just happened to be on the route that had the last Target AND (bonus!) Starbucks for 200 miles. That was me being in the moment and feeling my gut- things just happened and fell into place, naturally. I’m not my degrees. I’m not my house or my salary. I’m not my status or the car I drive. I don’t want my life to get bigger, only simpler. I want to be the best wife that I can possibly be to my husband and a servant to community. Expect much art to come out of being Guided while on my way. Keep on keeping on lovelies. And no matter what, keep faith in yourselves. Every single day that you live, you evolve. Therefore anything is possible.